You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.