[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When he asks for feet pics
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.