zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”