[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Bloody internet 😳
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared