Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The three genders.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen