You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
You Might Also Like
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Breaking news:
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Lmfaoooooo
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.