You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious