You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers