@KeetPotato: genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"

@londonlass666: This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.

@ThaJawn: Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10 Me: 10, 9, 8, I'm scared​ Surgeon: *whispers* You should be Me: Wha *passes out

@jnthnwll: Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.

@YourDailyGroan: I believe in workplace drug testing. That's why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss' coffee. Let's test which one works faster.