@DRUNKdadding: You know when your cat looks at your kids like "thanks to you I've been out of food for 3 days and nobody's noticed" .....?
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@KeetPotato: genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
@londonlass666: This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.
@ThaJawn: Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10 Me: 10, 9, 8, I'm scared Surgeon: *whispers* You should be Me: Wha *passes out
@jnthnwll: Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.