me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
this FaceApp is creepy af
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY