You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no