You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I didn’t come here to be called names