You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend