You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You Might Also Like
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.