You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Rooting for the overdog
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
i think we should see other cousins
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.