you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Single and childfree like Jesus
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.