you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally