You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
You Might Also Like
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.