You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet