@senderblock23: "You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
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@Parentpains: Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
@TheresNoGodzila: Me: So what do you do? Date: I work with animals Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
@internetluke: [Jaden Smith at aquarium] "...any questions?" Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly? "No" What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water? "Huh" How Can Birds Be R