@senderblock23: "You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
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@SomthinBoutSara: Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
@sucittaM: Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
@ArfMeasures: ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun COP: Was it a revolver? ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
@Tylerosis: I say I want a gf but I don't even know what I'd do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?