@senderblock23: "You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
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@AaronFullerton: USA: "Hey nachos, today's your big day!" Nachos: "What about Cinco de Mayo?" USA: "What'd you just say?" Nachos: "Nothing."
@YesItsAl: I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
@DarlingNikki_12: Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.