@senderblock23: "You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
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@TheRolo: *UFO attacks* Govt: It's a weather balloon. *UFO destroys Eiffel Tower* Govt: Weather balloon. *UFO conquers Earth* Govt: Weather balloon.
@msbtx: Son: What does "nihilism" mean? Me: "Everything is meaningless." Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?
@pleatedjeans: I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
@qqnqui: Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald's. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.