Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]