*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.