“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I think this should do it.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Does it…does it take 3 days
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN