@jwoodham: "You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something." Good idea, Oscar. What'd you have in mind?
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@AaronFullerton: Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that.
@Burtslorp: *Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.
@AnkCoupleTO: *first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!
@Samiam556: Apparently the safe word has changed to... NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye....