“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Well, this certainly took a turn
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The three genders.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.