You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you