@michaelianblack: You know who's really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Me: *reclines* Nice Wife: I still can't believe you bought a used gynecological exam table Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs
@ExcuseMyTweets: The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.
@crushingbort: "Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?" 8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.