I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
God has left this place
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.