The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Yoga Matt
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
🤣🤣🤣
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.