You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.