You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty