You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?