@Steelers1972: You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.
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@Heartblakekid15: Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!
@CommonSavant: I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.
@shashaintl: What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
@Jeffro_: I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over.