ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.