You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think