@ARealTinderella: You know, you don't realise what you've got until you don't have it. I just ran out of toilet paper ...
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@amselts: [being strapped to a medieval torture table] "tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack"
@XplodingUnicorn: Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
@samalmightysam: The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn't send you subtweets.