You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I laughed at this way too hard.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
yea so i messed up lol
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay