You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
this could fix me
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it