You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
You Might Also Like
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean