@FBSisnothere: You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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@DaddyJew: Don't spill it Don't spill it Don't spill it Don't spill it Don't spill it My kitchen now has a lake - me trying to fill up my ice trays
@thenoahkinsey: If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
@SuadShamma: "The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole's Law."