You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
s
oc
i
a
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Strangers have the best candy.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Finally, an instrument I can play!