“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
the only organized thing in my life is crime
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.