If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.