“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Wait a minute
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Midwest trash talk
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”