@close_c: You know you're a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
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@shutupmikeginn: my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
@doktorj: Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.
@Jennabear32819: A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!