@close_c: You know you're a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
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@jwoodham: We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask "am I sexuaaaal?" and don't get a "yeeeeeeah!" in response, you need a new crew.
@hippieswordfish: ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can't make it FRIEND: you're holding a VCR warranty brochure
@redpawn3: One of My Ex's was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn't workout because all she wanted to do was SWING. I miss third grade.
@PoliUncorrect: Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)