@close_c: You know you're a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
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@DanMentos: "Bob's coming over" Bob from work or Bob who thinks he's a cop? *knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE *flushing drugs down toilet* "Bob from work"
@KyleMcDowell86: *puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame* I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
@SteveKoehler22: Our son came home one day with a note from his first grade teacher: Your son bit another boy today. Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
@NicestHippo: [serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left