Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”