I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”