You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
The honesty is refreshing
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you