You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Name this drama.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
knights of the ikea table
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores