You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
worst…sale…ever
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.