You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?