Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.