@Classy_Cassy89: You know you're drunk when the cat barks.
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@3sunzzz: Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL
@Beerhaze: My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
@samalmightysam: I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
@SteveSuckington: [talking to daughter's art major boyfriend] "You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan."