@Classy_Cassy89: You know you're drunk when the cat barks.
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@therepoguy: Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
@hurlarious: [INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
@weinerdog4life: How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them.