@Classy_Cassy89: You know you're drunk when the cat barks.
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@Mom_Overboard: They should make a sister store to "Forever 21" called "So Now You're 35" where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: "It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University." Me: "Yeah, I was visiting my sister."
@mrtruthandsoul: My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!