You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water