@ruraljules: You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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@unravelingfire: Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years. Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby." Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa." Person: "Awe, what's his name?" Me: "Grandpa."