You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
This forever.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.