You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
…..pretty much.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat