You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
my professor scared me for a second
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?