You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”